It’s only the first week of November and you’re already exhausted. Nothing is wrong with you. Your body has started the holidays without you.
That was Kathleen’s own story for years. In her thirties, the dread arrived with the first of November: tiredness, exhaustion, a wish to feel sick enough to get out of the holidays altogether. She tried to out-plan it, Christmas presents bought in June and July, every hosting detail done by mid-November, certain that if it was all handled, she could finally relax. It never happened. No matter how much she planned, the dread stayed.
What she understands now is that the body doesn’t only respond to what’s happening. It rehearses what it expects. If past holidays were tense, chaotic, lonely, or exhausting, your nervous system stores that as information and starts preparing weeks ahead. That preparation is bracing: a jaw that stays tight, shoulders that creep up, breath that stays high in the chest, a stomach that never quite settles. You may not even notice it. You just notice that you’re tired.
And that is why clearing your schedule doesn’t fix it. You can cancel three things and still be exhausted, because the drain isn’t the activity. It’s vigilance. In the background, your mind is running scenarios. What will she say this year? Who will drink too much? Will I have done enough? Vigilance burns energy around the clock, even when you’re sitting still. That’s why rest doesn’t seem to touch it.
Women who hold everything together are especially good at this. From the outside, you look fine. You’re making the list, buying the gifts early, planning the menu. What no one sees is the energy it takes to hold yourself together in advance. High-functioning burnout around the holidays often starts right here in November, with a body that’s already working overtime.
Kathleen learned the deeper truth the year she skipped her family’s Thanksgiving and spent it with friends instead. It was the best she’d ever had, relaxed, good conversation, great food. She didn’t dread the holidays. She dreaded the family dynamic. When she stopped doing the holidays the old way, the dread stopped. Today she still does all the things, but with friends, as a team effort, and Christmas on her own terms. She makes apple butter for people, and that brings her the joy she wanted all along.
You can’t think your way out of bracing. But you can show your body that the moment it’s preparing for is not happening right now. Three times a day, do an unclench check: your jaw, your shoulders, your belly. Then ask two questions. What am I preparing for right now? And is it happening right now? Every time the answer is “not yet,” your nervous system gets a little evidence that it can stand down. Over a few weeks, that evidence adds up.
One of Kathleen’s clients proved it. She blamed her calendar, cleared it completely and was still exhausted. What she was actually bracing against was the weight of making it nice for everyone. So she let the day unfold instead of managing it, and when an uncomfortable conversation started, she simply shifted it: let’s have pie, let’s have coffee. The tension lifted. Her tension, it turned out, was what everyone else had been carrying too.
Try it right now, with Kathleen’s one-minute practice from the episode. Put your hand flat on your breastbone. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four. Exhale for a count of six. And say to yourself: it’s not happening right now. Right now, I’m here. Take one more breath. And notice what’s softened, even a little.
If you know a woman who’s already tired and the holidays haven’t even started, send her this episode. Sometimes knowing there’s a reason is the first relief. And you don’t have to carry this alone.
Watch the video: https://youtu.be/hqOUrwRdrBk
Prefer listening on your commute? Stream the audio-only version here: https://podfollow.com/1688313227
New episodes every Tuesday.
